LIFE

I live life so that one day I may live the life I've always longed
I dream strong
I must or the hustle and bustle
Will shuffle my dreams between the seams
That seperate living the life I long
Or growing strong
From the toil

TIRING

I want to focus on the love
But the hate has me by the collar
I guess its got me hung
I just wanna see the light
Been in the dark so long
It seems its not within my sight
There’s no positivity when
You’ve got no pot to pee in
What good is it to be locked and loaded
When you don’t have a firing pin
It seems life is only inspiring
When its tiring
I wish I could create with no pain

Not to Mention

Now i know when you said
"Not to mention"
You meant to save that for last
As an exclamation point in your plan to stick to
And though I've had
the opportunity to
Sit through many of these

NOT TO MENTION DISCUSSIONS

I'd rather be licked in the face by a shitzu
Or only have ugly women to kick to
Or get the swine flu
And I know you need to vent
Need someone to whine to
But I'd like to
Focus on fixing this because this relationship is mine too
We're in this together and i signed on the dotted line too
And I could sugar coat this thing
But I know how much you hate to be lied to
Trust I KNOW
You're only 5'2 with enough bite for three K9s times two
Shoot not to mention you've got a 9 too
Now I know you saw how that worked
I meant to mention the 9 and frankly I did it because I was itching to tell
you the truth
That every time I hear a car backfire, after we're riftin
I hit the deck and yell shots fired
You meant it, otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned at all.
I think you just wanna rub it in
So next time mention it all
And if you forget something just say it

Bottle It

I wish I could bottle this feeling
Drink it when i fell from my senses
Meet you for lunch to catch up
Spike your punch
I once said I wouldn't wish this misery on my enemy
But you're better than that
Which is why it hurts when you fell from that
Whatever it is that love's euphoria had me engrossed in
What took me to a point so high
Dropped me from free fall
It feels like you'll lose your lunch
But you haven't eaten in days
And that's it right there
That sick feeling
Right in the pit
Amazing how the emotional manifests
Now its physical and I'm a mess.
Oh how I wish I could bottle this.
I'd sell it to those who have thoughts of going back.
Returning to the scene of your own crime
Fighting the urges you felt right before you fell.
Those thoughts like beautiful torture.
Dancing in your head
That same place you feel your pit churning
To suppress the yearning you hate yourself for feeling
I'd sell it for a little less then your dignity
So you could have it back.

Evolution of a Cheating Heart

Evolution of a Cheating Heart
A need to conquer like Bonaparte?
Two lives once together now a world apart.
Cheating thoughts rewind and replay like syndication
Ripping you from elevation
The pedestal you once stood tall on
Forever tainted because etched in her mind is the painting
Split Screen...
You panting and her at home waiting
The evolution of a cheating heart never contemplates
The sick feeling in the pit
Or the initial fit
Of rage.
Maybe one day she can turn the page
But unlikely
You tied the noose around your trust too tightly
If the initial snap wont kill it
The lingering feeling of tainted intimacy
Will snuff out the flame quicker then no oxygen
So come with me
Imagine when
Imagine how that blow felt
Below the belt
When she found out someone was playing below yours
And because when it rains it pours
It wasn't one of your average run of the mill whores
It was a sister from another mister
A bossom buddy that wanted your cutty
Day and Night
The Lonely Loner seems to free her inhibitions at night
At At At Night.
The evolution of a cheating heart
Whether slow or fast
Burns and scorns the same.
Until it snuffs out pure love's flame.

Its easy to say you got me when you got nothing
Never had, if you did
You'd be so afraid to eat those words
That whatever you had you hid
You're the worst kind
You couldn't see yourself
You wouldn't see yourself
Maybe if you were Truman and you bought the complete box set
Limited edition
With editors commentary
Special features with psychiatrist commentary
And Psyche profile
And even then I think it would be futile
You don't see it because you hate who you are
Or love yourself too much to drop yourself off that pedestal
But I promise its inevitable
Sooner or later we come face to face with our star player

Recall

I changed the channel on my love once, hit recall now i'm back to before the love was lust, lost. Now at night I toss, I felt a buzz as I lay there, reached for my phone but it was a pager there, true story. I guess I took it back. I awoke from a shallow sleep, thought of you and faded chest deep. I'm wading in the water, but I'm fading fast, still dreaming you haunt me in my sleep I only miss you because I wish I didn't feel this way, you let me go because I pushed you, now i'm begging you to stay. 143s of the past mean nothing now, love lost is like losing a bet, I put up my heart. But doubling down or losing a round aint nothing like this. So I channel search through the fish of the sea, but I always find my mind on you, 143. I know deep down you're not four me. So why when i'm in the middle of another program, I'm drawn to you, my previous channel.

Blue

Our love isn't predicated
At least until now
But I'm dedicated
We come from two worlds but we match right
Areas of gray mix the love with black and white
Occupied by lesser things
Or so it seems
Amidst the turmoil I felt my blood boil
I was into her, and she wasn't so into him
But they both hurt the same
And to borrow from X
How could I maintain with that s&#$ on my brain
I'd lie if I said it still wasn't
She was before you and he was before me
But it was still there for our eyes to see
Ironic that what we didn't see hurts the most
I now wish I could erase what I imagine when he held you close
I sit and stare and it leaves me heart broken
Maybe it will just take more time,
But every time I hear certain words spoken
I revert to the blank stare my stomach turns,
It's like our love is choking
And the gift is I need you more then ever
The curse is I need you more then ever
Lovers dream of running away together
I'd gladly run from the stormy weather
With us hand in hand
Its like we're in the eye of the storm
Swept away by our thoughts, this world, ourselves
What if what we've found together isn't enough?
And I know the road will be tough.
And because I admit that you wonder,
Does that mean I won't be there when things get rough?

Men aint $(*%

It might just be you,
I know, I know its hard to believe its true.
You're alone because no one is worthy.
You won't settle you don't care if you're 30.
And I completely understand not settling
And don't take this as me meddling...
But maybe you should get off Match.com
And try Lower Expectations.
Now before you go getting your panties in a wad
Think hard.
Let me put you up on something you already know but ignore.
Men make time for what's important in their lives
And just because he has qualities that you like
That doesn't make him Mr. Right
And especially if to him you're Ms. Wrong
All that you want doesn't necessarily want you
Think of the times you've rejected
Did you think it was a problem you had that made you deflect him?
Naw it was him.
Now does that make sense?
I used to want to prove you wrong
But if you can’t see its you on your own
Why waste my time?
Besides if you were on his radar
He would have stepped up and made a move
But you’re like gum on the bottom of some shoes
Annoying and a hassle
And only there because some cat dropped you
Now I’m the bad guy when your friends are the ones who failed you
When I slip mine tell me the reason for the stumble
Nothing like real friends to keep you humble
But when you fall your friends blame us all
Men hear and sense the negativity
If only I had a mirror that you wouldn’t question
To show your true self
You may wonder why I bother
If I hear “Men aint Shi” one more time
I need someone to tickle my fancy
And quite frankly
You may not have the fingers for it
Or maybe that's not my spot
And maybe you're just not hot.
For whatever reason
Love is like God it'll meet you where you are.
So if you're at a place where "Men aint S(&*"
Then they probably aren't.

Truth

The truth is stoic
Unbending in its arrogance
Sought after by the noble and pauper alike
Dodged by those with ignoble intentions
Feared by the same at any mention
Ugly and Beautiful
Skewed by your looking glass
The truth
Starter and the end all of wars
Creator of loyalty
Elusive and sometimes bitter
Some say its the key from enslavement
With the ability to set you free
Decreasingly the answer in a cold sick world
It dwells in some more then others
The truth
Torn by the gnashing of teeth
Battered by those who try to twist and bend
Loosening with the help of the "oil"
"Drank" or wine
The truth.
Stoic.
You can almost hear its absoluteness,
Though we long to beat it.
Join it.
It may set you free.

Back Drop

I woke up this morning
Shook the coal from my eye and pondered about my love
I thought I would simply write then,
At that very moment…
But I couldn’t find my pen
Plus I was late.
I found the words I wanted all day
They came to me like begging gypsies in Rome
You’re my world,
No, no how my world was nothing without you
I dream about you,
No, no how you were a dream,
My dream.
But then I realized.
You were a beautiful person
But only because the back drop of this world was so ugly
Or is it just human to love our imperfections
Now don’t get me wrong I’m not putting my love for you in question
Its just I’m inside my head from sun up to sun down
And I know my way of thinking is flawed
And I don’t consider myself the most wacked out person around
But there are some sick thoughts inside my head
And I thank the heavens I have a conscience I can’t shed
Cause if not the snake would be in full force
And of course my inner self may rear its ugly head
I just gather that what we both love
We hate.
And what we long for
We run away from,
And what we live for
We won’t always die for
I just gather that’s what makes us human
Imperfect.
So you are a beautiful person, and the back drop of this work is ugly.
And we made it that way.
So if you shine amidst the imperfection…
You are my dream and my world.

Limbo: Part Deux

So you flee from the insanity
Just to get roped back in
This love rodeo’s got your heart bucking all over
Wishing this ride would be over
Or maybe if you could become a little colder
Reach that breaking point
Take the stake out of your heart
And draw a line in the sand
Raise a flag that says
“Limbo, Never to Return Again”
But as soon as the tide rises
Lonely nights, late evening surprises
Hormones aren’t subsiding
You step back into no man’s land
Where complication and confusion rule
Where you eat the words, “I’ll be no one’s fool”
Perplexed again, you failed that test again
So you call your next of kin
They say there you go with that mess again
Couldn’t fight that flesh and win.
Good enough to lay, but not good enough to stay.
Oh, this limbo that we’re in.
Please address it
Or assess the years lost and the damage cost.
Limbo leaves the scorn and broken hearted.
Wasted love and Cupid’s discarded
Oh if we could recognize the signs.
Or push a button that would remind
About the times you laid motionless
Mind racing, hoping this
Indecisiveness, draining stagnate time would move on
Trade the grey for contrasting shades of black and white
I wish she'd let go, or hold tight.

Limbo: Part I

We started like they all start
Lofty ideals, kisses on the neck giving us full-body chills
Thoughts of, “Maybe this is the real deal”
She was beautiful, he was fine as…well
Noses wide open,
You both had that new car smell,
And you were giving each other a spin,
So the representative slowly faded away and apprehension snuck in
You wanted to try your luck then,
Now your heart’s tucked in
But those feelings developed, not to a point of no return
But to be lost, IN LIMBO.
Oh I said it, some of your hearts sank
Your brain and your heart floating, stomach tied in knots
One day you’re cold the next day you’re hot
You want him when he doesn’t want you
Your minds playing tricks on you.
Its not worth it to keep going, but you’re invested
Or maybe you’re in between break ups,
And he’s just so familiar, “Heck I have 2 years indebted”
He owes me my happiness and the American dream
But you can’t understand why its like your sanity is busting at the seams
Let go.
Its limbo.
But what if things change?
Do I just let go at the first sign of rain?
Life and love sometimes bring pain.
I can endure a while longer,
And even if it doesn’t turn out right, at least I’ll be stronger, right?
I imagine breaking free from this bondage
Suspended with no strings
Constantly offensive or offended
What does this limbo mean?
Nothing confuses more then the tug of war with your heart and mind
Understanding doesn’t always come with time

Back then...when

When the only thing that made you cry was a scraped knee
Maybe a mean kid not sharing
Jumping off swings, double-dog-daring
Catching june bugs, sipping cool tea out of mugs
Foot races, kool-aid stained smiling faces
When things were easy and care-free
Running and rarely getting tired
Baths and swinging on tires
Bubble baths and sleepovers
Scary stories, “Red Rover, Red Rover”
Spreading your arms, imagining you can fly
Picking out images of clouds in the sky
Oh back then, when things were so simple.
Recess and May Day,
Thinking girls had the cooties,
Well some things never change.
Back then.

Remised

I teared up at the thought of a future I knew I couldn’t have
Amidst the hustle and bustle of life I lost my grasp
On what was important, and I knew it
Things were so fluid
I got washed away
In between the chaos, hard times I’d call on Him
I’d fast, I would pray
But just enough to quiet my own soul’s rumbling
I chalked up my stumbling to growing pains
To a growth stunting mentality of I’ll never be perfect
Oh but when it rains
It scorns.
Or breathes new life.
I remember when adversity was welcomed in my world
But as I look back, it only sprinkled then.
Now the rain comes as if it will never end.
Or at least it seems.
We can't explain the human heart and its battle with the mind.
I can’t find the time to unravel its rhyme
Or reason, because even with the seasons changing
And life rearranging
I still need you.
I’d be remised if I lied and told you I didn’t write this for you
I’d be remised if I told you I didn’t wake up longing for your kiss
If I didn’t long for that 15 seconds of bliss as I wake
15 seconds of ignorance to my current circumstance
15 seconds of heaven right here on earth
15 seconds of rebirth
Until I’m reminded I’m here living without you.
I pray that those seconds get longer.
Or my heart grows colder, grows stronger.

The Sincerely Lost

Sincerity is a rarity
Or is it that we live in a world of consummate skepticism
Jaded realism and masked moments of clarity?
I welcome the sincere
But the sincere become cold
Hiding in the open
Too tired to give themselves
Siding with the faux to cope and
Longing for the shimmer of sincere hope and
Relieving themselves of hurt that sometimes sincerity brings
To smaller, petty, less human things
It’s easy to suppress emotions before they start
Lock away your heart
It’s simple to keep the feet on your heart nimble
Focusing on your body your temple
While the inside of that temple is frigid
Maintaining career, school and the shallow social is easy
But your heart’s complexity
Perplexes thee
So lock sincerity away
No lock and key
If someone finds it they won’t recognize it anyway
Lord keep my sincerity

"Sincerity is an openness of heart; we find it in very few people; what we usually see is only an artful dissimulation to win the confidence of others."

LA ROCHEFOUCAULD, Reflections

Boat

I grew weary of the way this thing was progressing
Grew tired of the commotion, hard feelings and stressing
I knew if God was testing I was failing fast
My heart was sailing fast
To a place it had never been before
True I felt heartache, heart break but never like this
My heart was jumping like a hyper kid in mid-summer church service
Hot as a furnace
My friends tried to wave the fans of "Let God handle it"
But I was intent on letting this hyper active desire consume me
Besides as soon as I was alone the fans just reminded me where I was
Bound by the decisions of another
Diced, chopped, smothered and covered
Is how this made my heart felt
No question my plea is heart felt
All along I figured I had it all figured
Who would have thought I'd pursue the unpursuable with so much vigor
So slow usually to pull the trigger, but with her mine was hair-pin
Let it go, if I could only care when
I wanted.
Now my love is on a platter, flaunted.
Picked at and laid flat.
I'm a boat.
If only she could toss me back or take me home.
I'd surely take either.
Oh how I long to see her.

Tugging

She had such a grip
Tight lipped when she slipped through
Couldn't help but be blue
The thought of not being able to make her rainy days anew
My sun would shine through if only she really knew
She had a pull
She kept me full of a longing
Intriguing
She'd tug at me rather she was near or not
At random I'd feel what was her phantom
Perfume or sweet smile
Wacky laugh
I'll never be the same
Oh how the aftermath I pray is loves true grasp
I pray at last
This isn't just a crossing of paths

wishing

i wish i was finished with what I started, my dreams never thwarted, every woman i wanted wasn't already courted. my shoes were never scuffed, i loved and felt loved more then enough. when times got rough you would hold my hand, i could hike mountains by day and by night watch the stars in the sand, i'd wish upon them all until my lids started to fall. i wish my purpose was realized, all my plans materialized, gave all i could give and still had time to live. i wish food that was good for you tasted good, my people weren't misunderstood. i wish i could do it all so i couldn't say no. i wish my neice and nephew wouldn't grow, their innocence is like gold. i wish i knew what you needed to know, so i could teach you where to go in this life i implore is worth living. i wish my heart sometimes was less forgiving. i wish for 3 more wishes. i wish i wasn't afraid of rejection, but i thank GOD for his intercession. i wish for less reflection and more Godly connection. i simply wish i never stop wishing. i wish more people understood me, i hate mystery. i wish i was a little bit taller. i wish when life gets to me i wished a little harder. i wish we all realized wishing was living.

Trite

All poems about the truth of the world seem…
Well, self righteous
I understand
The truth often seems trite
The truth is: We know very little about a lot
Our lots in life, we could change
If we knew a lot
Who knows if things will ever change or not
Knowing the truth is all we got
When it alludes your perception you know you have to stop
And find where it hides
Knowledge is only power when you move your feet
Application is like plugging in the light so you can see
Reboot, Refresh, Revamp, Review, Remind, Repeat
Badu plus 3
All so keen to see the fruition of a dream
I am not fool, add some loot
Or cheese my eyes are green like Badu
I need lamb and seed
With a fam to feed
Every man’s in need
Maybe he’s got his hand in greed
Or hungry enough he’ll scam and flee
Land and deeds
Understand the thieves
Revamp, reread
Come back, achieve
We lack, oh we lack, we bleed
I’m weak, I see
Knowledge is only power when you move your feet
All poems about the truth seem the same
Self-righteous
I understand
Just because I know I may hurt a man
Is it enough to push me to take my own hand
Because I know the truth to be trite
When the truth be told do I run from the fight.
So say it anyway.